“After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun”

“Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.”

“Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.”

“I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way.”

“I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.”

“I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.”

“When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.”

“Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.”

“In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'”

“We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't.”

“I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.”