“And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.”

“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?”

“A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.”

“Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.”

“I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost. ”

“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.”

“Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?”

“I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.”

“Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.”

“I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.”

“As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.”