“At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control”

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame”

“I love shark week, all kids swim for free”

“Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco”

“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”

“I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear”

“When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time”

“Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school”

“Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window”

“If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?”

“If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody”