Lisa Lampanelli Quotes

“I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.”

“I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger.”

“The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.”

“I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.”

“The strength of a woman far exceeds the brawn of a man. ~Lisa Antonio”

“I love people who choose to surprise the sad ones, Just to make them smile!”

“There is no lifeguard on duty. We each swim at our own risk during this short journey." ~ Lisa Fantino/Amalfi Blue”

“If the landscape of human emotion were to exist in country, it would be in Italy." ~Lisa Fantino/Amalfi Blue”

“In the cool dark basement, she whispers, "It's not Ralph, is it?"Cabel's quiet for a moment, as if he's thinking, "You mean like Forever Ralph? Uh, no.""You've read Forever?" Janie is incredulous. "There wasn't much else to chose from on the hospital library cart, and Deenie was always checked out," Cable says sarcastically. "Did you like it?"Cabel laughs softly, "Um...well, it wasn't the wisest thing to read for a fourteen-year-old guy with fresh skin grafts in the general area down there, if you know what I mean.”

“For as long as I've known him, Sam has been trying to out-run his demons. But he can't see the truth. His problems - they never sleep, never take a break. They'll wear him down before he can wear them out.”