Melvin Helitzer Quotes

“One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.”

“When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."”

“I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.”

“I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .”

“Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.”

“Feeling a little grumpy, Melvin decided he would no longer take a bath ever again. Therefore, with that in mind, he marched off into the woods.”

“Receptionist: How do you write women so well?Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.”

“I had this guy’s file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado.”Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction.“Did you say Desperado?” I couldn’t stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. “Yeah,” the Director confirmed. “He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin.”I was still laughing. “’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.”

“If I may take the liberty to speak for science at least, today his name and his prizes are without a peer in the world. He not only elevates science but he influences it as well.”

“Watching baseball under the lights is like observing dogs indoors, at a pedigree show. In both instances, the environment is too controlled to suit the species.”