“By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!”

“By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!”

“I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.”

“I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'”

“I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.”

“It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.”

“I realized women and humor were linked very closely.”

“My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.”

“I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important. ”

“I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.”

“Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.”

“I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.”