“Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

“One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.”

“The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.”

“The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.”

“Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.”

“Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.”

“Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it but it's a kind iv a disgrace.”

“A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.”

“The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic!)”

“Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.”

“Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.”