“EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus.”

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”

“You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the philosopher, "May you live forever!”

“To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.”

“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.”

“Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.”

“Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.”

“Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.”

“When you doubt, abstain.”

“Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”

“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”