Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

George Carlin
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

George Carlin
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Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It’s a matter of how you pick them.

George Carlin
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

George Carlin
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[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

George Carlin
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

George Carlin
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

George Carlin
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin
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