“Facebook is that successful guy you’re supposed to want to date, but you can’t keep your mind off the beautiful freak in the corner. Twitter is my freak.”

“My voice falls into Southern drawl when I am tired, drunk, or in trouble. Too often, my accent is attacked by all three of these realities.”

“I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.”

“Facebook is that successful guy you’re supposed to want to date, but you can’t keep your mind off the beautiful freak in the corner. Twitter is my freak.”

“Love: the impossible combination of being IN the deep end and being OFF the deep end.”

“As I prefer to see it, there has never been an epic love story that involved significant amounts of self-control.”

“Having two women—one who can’t know about the other, and one who must be trusted not to destroy his life—is clearly difficult for him.”

“Malibu: With sounds of waves crashing, and the ocean at the doorstep, you feel like you are hours away from civilization. And with L.A. traffic, YOU ARE.”

“Many of the women in Los Angeles are part of the notorious gang culture, and they will forever have my gratitude for, you know, letting me live.”

“When my heart is better, less shrunken, I will throw her out there to love again, without hesitation, even knowing what we know.”

“Holy crap, my heart was arrogant to believe her spotless track record could stay that way.”