“He says he's not broke but he is trying to sell his kidney and corneas.”

“I don't believe in astrology - of course that's very typical of Leos.”

“I'd like to thank the committee that brought this event about. It was an equal endeavor. They did the food decorations and reservations and I did the traffic flow.”

“I get confused with all the rules in golf. Let's say you're playing in L.A. and your ball lands on a dead body. Is your relief one or two club lengths?”

“As a woman I resent the fact that in golf if I have the highest score I'm the loser.”

“My golf is getting better all the time. Today I parred all but sixteen holes.”

“If there's a God why are there such things as famine and The Jerry Springer Show.”

“A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.”

“I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.”

“I don't want to be patronizing . . . that means "talking down."”

“If any of you are related to our main guest let me know so I can speak slowly.”