“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

“I liked comedy as a kid. When I was a kid, I'd go to sleep to, like, Bill Cosby albums every night. I'd listen to 'Bill Cosby Is A Very Funny Fellow... Right!' and 'Wonderfulness,' which are two of his most famous albums. Then the next night, I'd flip them over, 'cause it was the old stackable turntable.”

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.”

“Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'”

“I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product and I'm the spokesperson, and I'm going to deliver.”

“The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.”

“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.”

“If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.”

“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.”

“Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.”

“Learning to read clusters is not something your eyes do naturally. It takes constant practice.”