“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”

“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”

“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.”

“I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”

“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”

“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”

“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”

“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

“Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.”

“Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.”

“I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.”