“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?”

“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”

“Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.”

“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”

“I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.”

“I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.”

“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?”

“I'm a writer. I write checks. Mostly fiction.”