“I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead”

“If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.”

“If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.”

“If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”

“You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”

“Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.”

“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

“For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'”

“My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.”

“Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.”