“I have a hard time believing that billions of years ago two protozoa bumped into each other under a volcanic cesspool and evolved into Cindy Crawford.”

“I have a hard time believing that billions of years ago two protozoa bumped into each other under a volcanic cesspool and evolved into Cindy Crawford.”

“After fifteen years of marriage my wife wants us to recommit our vows. As a man I don't understand her need to get married again. We've got our toaster let's move on.”

“My mother always said that every time you do a good deed here on Earth you're storing up a treasure in heaven. Which means Mother Teresa's probably got some beachfront property up there and I'm up to a box of Milk Duds and a Pez dispenser.”

“I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days like in West Side Story the gangs used to dance with each other.”