“I hope when I'm on my deathbed, people forgive me, because there is a lot to forgive.”

“My dad's one true quest in life was for the Platonic ideal of peanut butter. And I remember one day he announced, with a look of utter transfiguration on his face, that he had found paradise on Earth in a jar with a yellow cap. And it was called Red Wing.”

“How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to mix the martinis, one to change the light bulb, and one to reminisce about how good the old one was.”

“You can't tell what's aboard a container ship. We carried every kind of cargo, all of it on view: a police car, penicillin, Johnnie Walker Red, toilets, handguns, lumber, Ping-Pong balls, and IBM data cards.”

“I live on a train. I know - what a sad thing to admit. I am the New-Age Willy Loman. But there it is.”

“I love Washington. I have an affection for the place. For a satirist, I think it's sort of Disneyland. I mean, you know, there's always some inspiration in the morning's headlines.”

“The tradition of putting candles on Christmas trees actually began in Germany. The person who came up with the idea is thought to have been Martin Luther, father of the Reformation.”

“I hope when I'm on my deathbed, people forgive me, because there is a lot to forgive.”

“That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.”

“People believe unbelievable things because it's self-flattering to think that you are intellectually daring enough to accept what others find preposterous.”

“Oil they would buy from anyone. From Satan.”