“I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.”

“Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.”

“I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.”

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.”

“Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.”

“Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.”

“I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.”

“I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.”

“At my age flowers scare me.”

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”