“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'”

“How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.”

“My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'”