“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

“Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It’s a matter of how you pick them.”

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”

“[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”