“I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.”

“I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.”

“As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger.”

“Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.”

“When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.”

“When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.”

“I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.”

“You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,”