“If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.”

“I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up”

“Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.”

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

“The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.”

“Communism is like one big phone company.”

“When you're eight years old nothing is your business.”

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”

“There are never enough I Love You's.”

“All my humor is based on destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing in the bread line - right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.”

“The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.”