“In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.”

“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”

“Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.”

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

“Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.”

“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”