“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.”

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.”

“Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.”

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.”

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.”

“The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.”

“The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.”

“Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.”

“Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.”