“My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.”

“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

“Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.”

“(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?”

“I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.”

“One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.”

“(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?”

“The shortest distance between two people is a smile.”

“My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.”

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”