Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Chelsea Handler
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang
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I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

Chelsea Handler
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The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

Chelsea Handler
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