“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.”

“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.”

“When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.”

“I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'”

“I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.”

“I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.”

“All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.”

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.”

“My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.”

“The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.”