“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.”

“When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.”

“I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, 'I'm not even a 10th of this man.'”

“I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.”

“I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.”

“All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.”

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.”

“My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.”

“The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.”