Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller
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I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your f******I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous?

Christopher Hitchens
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Phyllis Diller
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There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Phyllis Diller
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Phyllis Diller
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Phyllis Diller
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller
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