“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“I had a dream about you. I was a ventriloquist trying to share your fashion secrets, but you wouldn’t talk. So we put on a strip show for the department store sale, and I was arrested for theft – I took away your dignity as a mannequin”

“I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.”

“I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”

“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn’t decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”

“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.”

“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”

“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

“Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.”

“Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.”

“I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.”