“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

“It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.”

“Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car.”

“Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.”

“America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.”

“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”

“If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.”

“If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?”

“Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.”

“Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.”