“Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.”

“The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.”

“If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.”

“There are only a few things that are more entertaining than watching a cat trying to run across a freshly waxed wood floor after a ball.”

“Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.”

“Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.”

“Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.”