“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”

“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”

“You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'”

“On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.”

“The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.”