“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.”

“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”

“I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.”

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.”

“I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.”

“I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.”

“I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.”

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”

“Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?”