Chelsea givens Quotes
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“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
Chelsea Handler
“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang“I won,” said Chelsea’s dad, and went to give Chelsea a high-five, but missed, as they were standing too close.“My fault,” he said. “That was my fault.”“Oh,” Chelsea said.And he stepped back a little and tried again, but Chelsea, distracted now by something—maybe the plant in the far corner, standing and waiting like a person in a dream; or maybe the green shoe or some other thing that was out there and longing, to be looked at, and taken—wasn’t ready, and their hands, his then hers, passed through the air in a kind of wave, a little goodbye.”
Tao Lin, Bed“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Oooh...Aunt Chelsea called Jake the D-word!"Rory's voice carries into the kitchen. "Dipshit?""No.""Dumbass?""No.""Douchebag?""What's a douchebag?""Rory!" Chelsea and I yell at exactly the same time.”
Emma Chase, SustainedAll in One Creative & Marketing Platform to tell stories at scale
