“We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics.”

“Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.”

“The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”

“The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.”

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

“We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...”

“The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.”

“One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.”