“When all else fails, there's always delusion.”

“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.”

“President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.”

“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.”

“Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.”

“Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.”

“The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.”

“Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career”

“Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.”

“There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.”