“When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”

“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”