“You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.”

“You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.”

“My first car was a motorcycle.”

“If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?”

“It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.”

“Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.”

“I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.”

“Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.”

“When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.”

“The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'”

“If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.”