“And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.”
“And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.”
Chelsea Handler
“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
Chelsea Handler“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”
Chelsea Handler, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea“That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.”
Chelsea Handler“The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.”
Chelsea HandlerAll in One Creative & Marketing Platform to tell stories at scale
