“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.”

“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”

“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other. ”

“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”

“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”

“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”