“How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.”

“All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.”

“There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.”

“Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.”

“As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.”

“For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.”

“I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.”

“The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.”

“We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”

“I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.”

“Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.”