The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

Jim Gaffigan
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All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

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For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

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I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.

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The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

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We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

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I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section.

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Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of a hotel, all the other children will scream and run in the hallway of the hotel.

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