“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...”

“One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.”

“...I might mention my belief that girls who like Woody Allen movies are nicer girls than girls who don't...”

“... I somehow got the idea that oak floors were located exclusively in New York City. This came chiefly from watching Woody Allen movies. I wanted to live someplace that looked like Mia Farrow's apartment in 'Hannah and Her Sisters' (little did I know that it was Mia Farrow's apartment). To me, this kind of space did not connote wealth. These were places where paint was peeling and the rugs were frayed, places where smart people sat around drinking gin and tonics, having interesting conversations, and living, according to my logic, in an authentic way.”

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”