“I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.”

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”