I feel a thrill of excitement at this first tiny glimpse of self-revelation, of intimacy.

I feel a thrill of excitement at this first tiny glimpse of self-revelation, of intimacy.

J.P. Delaney
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I feel a thrill of excitement at this first tiny glimpse of self-revelation, of intimacy.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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We're all connected now, I think as I send it off into cyberspace. Everyone and everything.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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All these men who loved Emma, I think. For all her problems, men were fixated on her. Will anyone ever feel like that about me?

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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But I know he loves me. I know he needs our games, that they answer some deep-seated hunger in him.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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It's the sketch Edward did of me before he went away, the one he said was fine but didn't want to keep. It's as if he's drawn me not once but twice. In the main drawing I have my head turned to the right. It's so detailed, you can see the tautness of my neck muscles and the arch of my clavicle. But underneath or over that there's a second drawing, barely more than a few jagged, suggestive lines, done with a surprising energy and violence: my head turned the other way, my mouth open in a kind of snarl. The two heads pointing in opposite directions give the drawing a disturbing sense of movement.Which one's the pentimento, and which the finished thing? And why did Edward say there was nothing wrong with it? Did he not want me to see this double image for some reason?

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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I loved Emma.' The words, so flat and final, explode into the air. 'But she lied to me. I thought perhaps I could have the love without the lies. With you, I mean. Do you remember your application letter? How you talked about integrity and honesty and trust? That was what made me think it might work, that it might be better this time. But I've never loved you the way I loved her.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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But one day, when Toby is old enough, I will take down a shoe box from a shelf where it is kept, and I will tell him again the story of his sister, Isabel Margaret Cavendish, the girl who came before.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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I know it must look odd, given that I didn't even know Emma. But it seems to me that almost no one really knew her. Everyone I speak to has a different version of what she was like.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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And when I realized you had secrets too, I was glad. I thought we could be honest with each other. That we could finally rid ourselves of all the clutter from our past. Not our possessions, but the stuff we carry around inside our heads. Because that's what I've realized, living in One Folgate Street. You can make your surroundings as polished and empty as you like. But it doesn't really matter if you're still messed up inside. And that's all anyone's looking for really, isn't it? Someone to take care of the mess inside our heads?

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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Sometimes it's as if I can shrink away to nothing. Sometimes I feel as pure and perfect as a ghost. The hunger, the headaches, the dizziness—these are the only things that are real.

J.P. Delaney, The Girl Before
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