“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.”

“I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.”

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.”

“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”

“Never floss with a stranger.”

“Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.”

“Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.”

“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”