“I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.”

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City? ”

“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”

“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”