“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”