“I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They’ve already done it. It’s called a nickel.”

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”

“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”

“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”

“Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”

“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”

“They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.”

“As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.”

“You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.”

“Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.”

“My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.”