“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”

“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”

“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”

“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.”

“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.”

“I saw a stationery store move.”

“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”

“My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.”

“I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”